Feb 20, 2014

Self Sabotage

This is your disclaimer: This post has a lot of long rambling and deep thoughts. 
Loosing weight has been a struggle of mine for YEARS. Pretty much as long as I can remember. I spend way too much time every day contemplating my weight, food choices, lack of exercise, etc. I can't even imagine the productivity that would come out of me if my mind was free. Since having the babies, I have thought a lot about the reason why I am still overweight and haven't done anything about it. Logically, if you are out of milk, you go to the store to buy milk. Yeah, it is inconvenient, you have to change out of sweat pants, it will cost money and gas. However it is something that you do because you have a problem and that is the solution. What I've been contemplating lately is WHY is weight loss so different for me? I know exactly how to lose weight, I have to eat better and exercise. Of course there are many reasons excuses why loosing weight is inconvenient. However, there is still a plan to remedy my current problem. So what is that makes it so easy for me to get stuck in the inconveniences of it and not progress toward my goal? I know the answer:
I have spent a considerable amount of time researching self sabotage. There are many reasons why one would prevent themselves from achieving their own goals. These are the ones that I felt like applied to ME:
1. Familiarity of failure. I do not like change. I get very anxious when my grandmother moves the trash can in her kitchen. Why? Because I like consistency and change makes me anxious. I can logically reason that it is just a freaking trash can but that logic doesn't play out when something is changed from my norm. I know how to operate being overweight. I am so worried about failing at losing weight AGAIN that I prefer to stay in the familiarity of being fat.
2. Need for control. This goes along with the last one to some extent. The way I look is a direct reflection of how I treat my body. It is MY body and MY choices and I like the control of that. The problem is that right now its "I know I shouldn't have that Reese's but it is MY body and I can control what I do with it." I know how I SHOULD view this. What I should be telling myself is "It is MY body and only I have the power to NOT eat that Reese's" and that should be motivating enough to put down the damn Reese's. I am allowed to be a control freak with my own body. I just have to realize that I am only hurting myself by being controlling of my bad choices instead of being controlling of my own power to make the right choices.
3. Need for excitement. I don't consider myself full of drama. Sure, I am a little dramatic I am a woman but it is not something that I thrive off of. I enjoy my job because of how LITTLE drama we have. We work so well together because we work together instead of against each other. Cory and I may have our Sunday together planned. It will be a relaxing day (as relaxing as having 9 month old twin boys can be) and we will eat all of our meals at home. However, if it weren't for his hard as a rock determination, more Sundays than not I would try to go out to eat where I would most certainly overeat all in the name of excitement. 
I think it is obvious that I know my weaknesses. Obviously they are easier to identify than they are to overcome or I would be a size 10 by now. Loosing weight is so much more of a mental game for me than it is a physical game. When I weigh myself and I haven't lost any weight in my head I say "well this is obviously not working, I should just eat what I want." On days that I weigh myself and I have lost weight, in my head I say "Hell ya! Two pounds down. I'm getting Chick-fil-a for breakfast today!" Of course, Chick-fil-a for breakfast quickly turns into "Well I am already not going to have a successful day, I will just use this as a cheat day and get right back on it." Either way, when I weigh myself, my immediate thoughts after weighing are self sabotaging.
As with all problems, there is a solution. The solution may be to suck it up and do what I need to do or it may be to find a compromise between my desires and what it will take to reach my goals.
I have to find a way to keep moving forward and not allow myself to keep ruining all of my progress.
 In what ways do you sabotage yourself and your goals?

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